I woke up this morning to grey skies and heavy, sticky air. The rain comes and goes, just enough to dampen the patio before it tapers off again. There's a thick breeze, slow, damp, not quite cool. It's going to be another humid, uncomfortable fall day here in Raleigh.
I wonder, what kind of weird place has weather as warm as this in mid October? Where are the cool, crisp days with dry air and cool nights? Why are all the leaves still green on the trees? What's wrong with this place? And then I realize, I've allowed myself once again to fall into the homesick trap. It's been a year here, and still, if I'm not careful, I find myself comparing the "strange" of the south with the "normal" of the northeast. Another chance to be negative, to be unappreciative, to grouse about the way things are different here.
When really, there's nothing weird or strange or wrong with this place. It's just the long, difficult and sometimes painful process of change that I'm still experiencing. I miss living in Maryland. It's just true. Some days I feel that more than others, and on a day when things aren't picture perfect here, it's easy to complain about things here. As if the door has been opened and all these pent up feelings of homesickness start flooding out at the first sign that Raleigh isn't perfect.
But like all emotions, my feelings on this subject are mixed up and complicated. Because I do love our home here in Raleigh. I love the beauty of the natural landscape here. I love the extended warm season, allowing us to enjoy Halloween and Thanksgiving in shirtsleeves and light sweaters. I love the early spring, the smiling daffodils that wake up a full month earlier than they do up north.
But it's different. And different is still hard.
I'm grateful today. But I'm not going to say I'm grateful for the warm fall days, just to trick myself into thinking I've gotten over my homesickness. Because that's not true. I'd love to have some cool dry temps right about now!
But I am grateful for the self-awareness to know what's happening to me. I'm grateful that I'm making time and allowing myself to feel all these range of feelings, to acknowledge them, so that eventually I will be able to make peace with them.
Enjoy your Tuesday, friends.
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